Hunter No Gun
There’s this guy who shows up at a cabin where these hunters have gathered to hunt bear. Only he shows up without a gun.
The other hunters are very curious. «How you gonna get a bear without a gun?» they ask.
«Do you have a knife?»
«No,» says the guy.
«Do you have a club?»
«No,» says the guy.
«Don’t you worry. I’m gonna get myself a bear. Just wait right here and see.»
The guy leaves the cabin and disappears into the hills for several hours.
Eventually he happens upon a bear asleep in his den and he kicks the bear and gets it really angry. As the bear wakes up, he starts to chase after the guy, so the guy starts running back towards the cabin.
Finally the hunters hear him running down the hill and yelling, «Open the cabin door! Open the door!»
They open the door and the guy runs into the cabin and holds the door open behind him. To the terror of the other hunters, an angry bear follows close behind, running into the cabin, too.
Then the guy slams the door shut, and says, «You skin that one. I’ll go get another.»
Escape From a Bear
There’s a guy who’s hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree.
The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away.
So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he’s brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn’t reach him. Eventually, the bears went away.
Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble.
Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.
Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second hiker says, «What are you doing?»
The first responds, «I figure when the bear gets close to us, we’ll have to jump down and make a run for it.»
The second says, «Are you crazy? Don’t you know you can’t outrun a bear?
The first guy says, «I don’t have to outrun the bear… I only have to outrun you!»
Bear in a Bar
This bear walks into a bar. Then he sits down and orders a beer.
The bartender, amazed that this bear can actually talk, gives him a beer.
The bear says, «What do I owe you?»
The bartender stops and thinks for a moment.
«Even though this bear is smart,» thinks the bartender, «he probably hasn’t been in many bars.»
So the bartender says, «That’ll be ten dollars.»
The bear forks over the money and starts drinking his beer.
After a few minutes, the bartender can’t restrain his curiosity, so he walks back over to the bear and tries to strike up a conversation.
«You know, we don’t get many bears in this bar.»
The bear looks up from his beer and says, «Well, at ten bucks a beer, I’m not surprised.»
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fishing and Gaming is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. The department has posted the following notice:
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle any bears.
We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoors men should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear feces has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
Cat Goes to Heaven
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, «You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.» The cat thinks for a moment and says, «Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.» The Lord stops the cat and says, «Say no more,» and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, «All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?» The Lord says, «Say no more,» and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, «How are things since you got here?»
The cat stretches and yawns and replies, «It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!»
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when–all of a sudden–a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
«Well, now,» says the old lady, «I guess I would like to be really rich.»
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
«And, gee, I guess I wouldn`t mind being a young, beautiful princess.»
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
«Your third wish?» asks the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman`s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
«Ooh–can you change him into a handsome prince?» she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
«Bet you`re sorry you had me neutered.»
Cat and Fish
Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, «What are you up to there, Tim?» «My goldfish died,» replied Timmy tearfully, «and I’ve just buried him.» The neighbor was concerned. «That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?» Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, «That’s because he’s inside your cat.»