«Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? I’ve heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.»
«Don’t worry, it won’t happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia.»
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A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, «What happened to your ears?»
He says, «Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.»
The boss says, «Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?»
He says, «Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!»
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A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: «Doctor, I have an ear ache.»
2000 B.C. – «Here, eat this root.»
1000 B.C. – «That root is heathen, say this prayer.»
1850 A.D. – «That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.»
1940 A.D. – «That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.»
1985 A.D. – «That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.»
2000 A.D. – «That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!»
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A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, «This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!.»
The plumber quietly answered, «Neither did I when I was a doctor.»
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A doctor said to his car mechanic, «Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care.»
«Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn’t changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year.»
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The seven-year old girl told her mom, «A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.»
«Oh, dear,» the mother nervously sighed. «What happened, honey?»
«Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.»
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«The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.»
«And did he?»
«Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.»
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«Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.»
«Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?»
«Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.»
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«Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!»
«Do you drink a lot?»
«Not really – I spill most of it!»
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«Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?»
«Yes, of course…»
«Great! I never could before!»
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A man speaks frantically into the phone, «My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!»
«Is this her first child?» the doctor queries.
«No, you idiot!» the man shouts. «This is her husband!»
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The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: «I’m afraid we’re going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.»
«Well, if it’s just because of them, I’d rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.»
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Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the very bad news?
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
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Doctor: «I’ve got very bad news – you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s»
Patient: «Well, at least I don’t have cancer»
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A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
«What’s the matter with me?» he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, «You’re not eating properly.»?
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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
«You aren’t so good in bed either!» he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
«What took you so long to answer?»
«I was in bed.»
«What were you doing in bed this late?»
«Getting a second opinion.»